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Garland is strung up and down the stairwell. Stockings are hung by the fireplace that is as cold and dark as my heart. Sitting in my favorite chair I look up on the wall to the painting we had commissioned on our eighth Wedding Anniversary, a portrait of my wife Francis holding our newborn twin daughters Alexis and Amanda. That half Mona Lisa smile haunts me. I used to tease her about it. Usually when she smiled she did it with her whole face. Her mouth would be wide open, teeth flashing, and her eyes would crinkle up. But she hated how it looked in pictures so whenever she posed for a photograph she would wear that half smile. She might have hated her smile but I loved it. I loved her. I still love her. It was six years ago today that they were taken from me. The house was decorated, the cookies were baked, and the presents were wrapped. I got the call at work. A police detective was telling me to get to the hospital. I remember screaming at him through my tears because he wouldn’t. She wanted them to know that she understood that she needed them, she needed to know that they trusted her enough to tell their secrets. She wanted them to feel her desire for them. She remembered a new word that seemed to express this desire in such a raw manner. It was last year when Mummy was reading Matthew 5:28 during church service. "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart." She had looked up lust in the dictionary and found it to be stated as a "strong sexual desire, a sexual appetite." This left a lot to be understood, but she fell in love with the word, repeating it to herself again and again. She liked the way it flowed across her tongue and understood implicitly that it was forbidden to her. That was its essential attraction. She wanted to live for a day in a forbidden world, to enjoy the intensity of not knowing what would come next when she placed herself in the forbidden lair. She wanted to.
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